Coffee: The Solution to Your Office Woes

From Love in the City Shop

Have problems at the office? Smooth out your day, everyday, and imagine what a bit of Classic can do.

Bored with your current project? Look to coffee as your cup of inspiration and pour it in your keyboard. Work can wait while IT hooks you up with a new keyboard

Tired, unable to keep your eyes open for that afternoon meeting? Bring on the day and awaken the senses and you can wake up like it's eight o'clock all over again!

Annoying coworker who won't stop bothering you? Good coffee is like friendship: rich, and warm and strong. Pour it in their lap because where the laws of nature apply, what goes down must be cleaned. They'll run off to clean up your coffee indulgence. From our plantation to your cup to their lap - you'll fall in love with coffee all over again when they stay away from you from now on.

Need a raise? Give the best to your boss: richness worth a second cup and get Rich quick.

Can't think of a way to get noticed by your coworkers? Espress yourself and replace their regular coffee with Folger's Crystals and let's see if they notice! One thing leads to another, but they'll probably ask, "What's that smell?"

Can't get out of bed? The best part of wakin' up is Folgers in your cup. Unless, of course, you want to start the day with great taste. Then you should bring home the coffee they serve in award winning restaurants because better beans make better coffee.

Sick of doing the same thing everyday? Have a new experience every week! It's uncanny how tasting the freshness can help you open up.

Mozart's Concerto for Bassoon

Me with my bassoon, 14 years old

When I was about 12 years old, Mr. H made a cassette recording of a very old record he owned. It was an incredible bassoonist playing Mozart's Concerto for Bassoon in b flat. He gave me the sheet music and had me memorize the first few stanzas so I could use them as warm up and impress anyone who knew bassoon and how difficult that song is by tricking them into thinking I could play such a beautiful song at any time. I never managed to play it and impress anyone, but Mr. H made me believe that one day I would.

The Sounds of Christmas

http://www.bettycrocker.com/videos/videolibrary/desserts/holiday-blossom-cookies

One of my least favorite things about the holidays is listening to very slim women eat all the sweets around the office while they bitch and moan about how very fat they are getting because people bring in sweets, and hear about how disgusting they'll look when they have to wear their size four fat pants because they can't fit in their normal clothes.

I particularly like when they go on about how they're going to ruin holiday pictures because nobody wants to see a fatty holding a plate of food. It's gross, and if they eat a second cookie they'll never get a date again because everybody knows that nobody likes cellulite. It's fun to hear them explain that they're turning into disgusting cows because people bring food into the office and vendors send food to the office.

The food is free. It is not required eating. And if nobody likes to see a disgusting fatty with a plate of food, why exactly do they tell me there is free food around the corner or offer to bring me and my 250 pound ass a plate?

*nibbles a cinnamon rugelach with glee*

*feels sorry for women who worry that their partners won't touch their ugly fat asses if they gain five pounds and have to wear spanks to fit into their holiday dresses*

*shudders at the idea of wearing spanks*

My arms aren't long enough for me to take a photo of myself eating cookies, so I tried to google for photos of fat women eating cookies. I wish I hadn't. The photos were either NSFW sexy pictures of half naked fat women, horribly cruel memes, or photos of thin women oogling cookies while eating lettuce.

Proposal Page Limitations

http://www.bindertek.com/custom-tabs-and-templates.html

I used to hate when RFPs provided page limitations, font sizes, and margin restrictions. Subject matter experts often want to add more information, and with page limitations, we always have to leave something out.
As a proposal writer, organizer, manager, coordinator, and all around "person in charge of proposals," my job is to rein them in. I keep track of not just how many pages are written, but I make sure we have answered all questions completely, written towards the evaluation standards, and the final product fits the restrictions. So page limits drove me crazy.
Then it happened. One day, I began to wish for page limitations! There were no limitations on pages in the proposal, the RFP (Request for Proposal) required massive amounts of information, and they wanted ten copies of the document delivered. There I was searching out binders that would hold 1,000 pages each to fit the technical proposal, and I also had to include the cost proposals as separate documents. The subject matter experts went wild. I couldn't rein them in, and they wanted to provide more information. Heck, they had to provide more information because the questions were so in-depth that each section required dozens, sometimes even hundreds, of pages.

http://www.empireimports.com/filebox.html

Delivering the sealed package required a hand truck and two large boxes; each box reached my upper thigh (I'm 5'2"). We were the first organization to get our proposal in, and the reception desk was shocked. The receptionist rolled their eyes like we were crazy but signed us in. As they were handing over our receipt, the next organization showed up with their delivery. It was as large as ours. These questions could not have been written with small page requirements, so we had to go all out. The next organization came rolling in on the heels of the next one. That organization only had one box. Nobody in the Purchasing Department had realized what they'd done by asking such in-depth questions.
Now I look forward to those required page limitations. It might be extremely difficult to stay within the requirements, but it's a challenge. I am forced into brevity. I have to remove extraneous text! I comb my work pulling out every unnecessary word. "In order to provide..." is ridiculous! "To provide..." takes up less space, removes unnecessary speech, and provides a more succinct document. "We believe we are the very best company for the job," is ludicrous. If we didn't think we were the best company for the job, why would we put in the hard work to submit a bid? Also, if we are the best, adding a descriptor to the adjective (very best) doesn't do us justice. Remove the extra text and instead write, "We are the best company for the job because..." that will add words to the text while providing real information!
College did not adequately prepare me for business writing. We were told that we had to write a specific number of pages, and when I put together papers, I would work hard to respond to write the best possible paper. Finishing a well written 97-page paper and having to add in three pages of text was heartbreaking. I'd add filler, stick in a few more quotes, and I'd be miserable because I put so much work into creating an excellent document only to be told I needed to reach the page requirement. I would have been better prepared for the working world if I'd been told to fully respond to the assignment with no more than 100 pages. Besides, if I'd written 150 pages for my "at least 100 pages" assignment, the teacher would have had to slog through 50 more pages to grade me!
When I have a 100 page requirement for an RFP, the government enjoys receiving only 97 pages. They want information, they want it presented in an easy to read format, and they want to have to read as little as possible. Per an air force CO, proposal reviewers spend approximately 45 seconds on each page. At that rate cutting out three pages will only save them 1.5 minutes, but it will also give them a document that was able to clearly express everything needed without any extra filler or fluff. Without playing with font sizes or margins.
The important thing to remember is that you have to respond completely and fully to each question, and it's a challenge. That's why companies hire me. I am up to that challenge!

PS: I really wanted to include a photo of a submission that my last company subbed for. The federal government required 21 copies, there were multiple binders, and it took a full pick-up truck to hold the entire shipment that had to go from TX to DC!

Paying for "human giving"

I'm tired of the idea that people (i.e., women) should do good things for the sake of doing good. The idea that you can't put a dollar amount on the desire to help is a load of horse manure. Social workers, teachers, nurses, and other fields that have been female-dominated are all said to be staffed by people who care. People whose concern for the well being of others trumps their need for monetary gain. Nurturers, direct service professionals, nursing home aides. These are viewed as people who are giving out of the goodness of their hearts, money be damned! 

The worst part?

It's true. So many of these individuals in these professions are seen as altruistic if they stoically go through their day, exhausted after working with yet another traumatized individual, helping yet another person deal with physical pain, chasing yet another group of kids around. After all, they are doing it for the good of mankind. 

People talk about the good people in these professions do - they help people learn and grow, they make real changes in the world on an individual level - until the person points out that they can't afford to feed their family, that their own kids don't get enough time with them because they're too busy with other people's children, that they are exhausted and ready to quit.

"Oh no! Don't quit! You're doing real good in the world!"

Ok, then how about compensating them for the value of what they do, prove that we respect what they do and that what they do matters?

Nope. We can't do that because then people will just do it for the money!

I call bullshit. If social worker jobs paid better, more people would, indeed, go into, stay in, or go back to being social workers. However, people who couldn't handle these professions? They're not going to jump on the bandwagon saying, "OH!!!!  Look!!!  They're making $50k per year, I wanna join them!" These are not glamorous jobs. They are painful, exhausting, and dangerous. Oh, they are also rewarding for people who want to be there, but the reality is that teachers get puked on, social workers get lashed out at, nurses watch people die, direct service professionals get shot.

No, I'd never survive as a teacher. I would have no idea what to do as a social worker when sitting with a five year old child who's been severely traumatized. I'd probably pass out if I had to stick my hands in someone's guts to hold them from falling out.

The only thing that paying people for doing these jobs will fix is the idea that doing good is worthless.

My Smile Belongs to Me

I had a really nice, easy, happy day. I woke up in a good mood, and I felt light and airy for most of the day. Sure, I was at work, so things weren't perfect, but overall, I'd give today an eight. Maybe a nine.

I left work to meet up with a date for an hour, and the trip to Kendall Square was a breeze. Literally. It was chilly walking across the bridge, but that kind of chilly that makes you want to do a Mary Tyler Moore twirl and throw up your hat. Only it's a bridge, so the hat would fall in the river. And you're not Mary Tyler Moore, so you'll also fall in the river. So you don't make the twirl. You just turn the world on with your smile smile and walk along your merry way.

Variety is Not a Code Word for Fat

Photo from the  Athletes, more photos available on Bored Panda.

When I say that I prefer when a variety of body types and abilities are represented, it is generally assumed that I want fat women dancing in commercials. It's not uncommon for cis het men to interrupt me and say, "I prefer when a woman has more meat on her bones!" Because, you know, my desire to see more types of women must mean that I want the male gaze to be turned towards my meat shell. So let me be clear:

"A variety of body types" is not code for "fat chicks."

Last In, First Out: Dating Poly and Single

Created by and available at http://tacit.livejournal.com/346761.html. 

If you follow the link to the Tactit's LJ post that contains their Polyamorous Secondary Relationship Card, the first commentor pointed out the part that hits me the most:

"Being a single poly person, even in "non-hierarchical relationships" it isn't uncommon to be treated like this. Even after the other person has sworn they wouldn't treat you like this."

The moment you meet someone in a poly relationship, you know they already have established relationships that will come first. Their reasoning makes perfect sense. They don't believe in hierarchies, or they don't believe they're in a point in their relationship where they'd create hierarchies, but they already know the person they are involved with. They already know that person is important to them. If push comes to shove on time, whether it be time constraints, fears of exposure, convenience, jealousy on the "first" partner's part, discomfort over friends and family knowing the truth, difficulty juggling two or three relationships, whatever, you are the unknown. You will be the piece they give up.

Identity is not an opinion

This is an example of an opinion I disagree with. I can post this without agreeing with it.
This post is not about opinions I disagree with, though.

Another person's identity is not something you get an "opinion" on. Yesterday I was chatting on facebook with an acquaintance* I've known for about 15 years but have rarely spoken with. He made an extremely trans-hating comment, so I asked for clarification. I mean, there's no way I could have heard it correctly. I mean, we met at a Pagan festival where he sold me a $15 Bid pen and gave me a free bottle of mead with it. He must be open minded, right? Yes, I know, overly positive and hopeful statement. Blah. Anyway, at my request for further elucidation, Magpie* reiterated his transphobia and called it "just his opinion." He repeated that statement several times and with smiley face emoticons said he hoped I wouldn't think badly of him for his “opinion."

Boardworthy - I thought you were doing Math

This Wondermark comic certainly fits the bill for a Boardworthy comic. It's a great comic go check some more out on the website!

Click the comic to see it full size on the Wondermark site.