It's Never Final

I don't think I've ever seen a comic that better defines what my job looks like as I approach production time for a proposal. Even if I call each person individually to verify that they have no changes on the draft, as soon as I send the final out, I start getting emails, "Oh, hey, I know it's due in two hours, but maybe we can schedule a call in half an hour to discuss adding one paragraph to Section 5 that is essentially a duplicate to what you put in Section 2, and I want you to change the spacing in the middle of the graphic that I sent you that you don't have an original for and that was made by my former colleague's second cousins brother's uncle."

PhD Comics: notFinal.doc

Proposal Page Limitations

http://www.bindertek.com/custom-tabs-and-templates.html

I used to hate when RFPs provided page limitations, font sizes, and margin restrictions. Subject matter experts often want to add more information, and with page limitations, we always have to leave something out.
As a proposal writer, organizer, manager, coordinator, and all around "person in charge of proposals," my job is to rein them in. I keep track of not just how many pages are written, but I make sure we have answered all questions completely, written towards the evaluation standards, and the final product fits the restrictions. So page limits drove me crazy.
Then it happened. One day, I began to wish for page limitations! There were no limitations on pages in the proposal, the RFP (Request for Proposal) required massive amounts of information, and they wanted ten copies of the document delivered. There I was searching out binders that would hold 1,000 pages each to fit the technical proposal, and I also had to include the cost proposals as separate documents. The subject matter experts went wild. I couldn't rein them in, and they wanted to provide more information. Heck, they had to provide more information because the questions were so in-depth that each section required dozens, sometimes even hundreds, of pages.

http://www.empireimports.com/filebox.html

Delivering the sealed package required a hand truck and two large boxes; each box reached my upper thigh (I'm 5'2"). We were the first organization to get our proposal in, and the reception desk was shocked. The receptionist rolled their eyes like we were crazy but signed us in. As they were handing over our receipt, the next organization showed up with their delivery. It was as large as ours. These questions could not have been written with small page requirements, so we had to go all out. The next organization came rolling in on the heels of the next one. That organization only had one box. Nobody in the Purchasing Department had realized what they'd done by asking such in-depth questions.
Now I look forward to those required page limitations. It might be extremely difficult to stay within the requirements, but it's a challenge. I am forced into brevity. I have to remove extraneous text! I comb my work pulling out every unnecessary word. "In order to provide..." is ridiculous! "To provide..." takes up less space, removes unnecessary speech, and provides a more succinct document. "We believe we are the very best company for the job," is ludicrous. If we didn't think we were the best company for the job, why would we put in the hard work to submit a bid? Also, if we are the best, adding a descriptor to the adjective (very best) doesn't do us justice. Remove the extra text and instead write, "We are the best company for the job because..." that will add words to the text while providing real information!
College did not adequately prepare me for business writing. We were told that we had to write a specific number of pages, and when I put together papers, I would work hard to respond to write the best possible paper. Finishing a well written 97-page paper and having to add in three pages of text was heartbreaking. I'd add filler, stick in a few more quotes, and I'd be miserable because I put so much work into creating an excellent document only to be told I needed to reach the page requirement. I would have been better prepared for the working world if I'd been told to fully respond to the assignment with no more than 100 pages. Besides, if I'd written 150 pages for my "at least 100 pages" assignment, the teacher would have had to slog through 50 more pages to grade me!
When I have a 100 page requirement for an RFP, the government enjoys receiving only 97 pages. They want information, they want it presented in an easy to read format, and they want to have to read as little as possible. Per an air force CO, proposal reviewers spend approximately 45 seconds on each page. At that rate cutting out three pages will only save them 1.5 minutes, but it will also give them a document that was able to clearly express everything needed without any extra filler or fluff. Without playing with font sizes or margins.
The important thing to remember is that you have to respond completely and fully to each question, and it's a challenge. That's why companies hire me. I am up to that challenge!

PS: I really wanted to include a photo of a submission that my last company subbed for. The federal government required 21 copies, there were multiple binders, and it took a full pick-up truck to hold the entire shipment that had to go from TX to DC!

Clarity Trumps Snobbery

Several years ago I was a writing tutor at the writing center of a university. I was horrified to learn that my job was not to help people learn how to avoid grammar errors. The sole purpose of my job was to assist students in learning to communicate clearly; grammar corrections were to be avoided unless there were regular problems distracting from the student clearly communicating.

Gee, what a thing to be proud of.

Consent Tastes Like Entenmann's!

So apparently some people think consent talk ruins the mood. These are obviously folks that I don't get down and funky with. Of course, consent talk can definitely be done with a throaty voice whispering, "May I kiss you?" in your ear, but sometimes it requires a bit more finesse. There might be topics involved that require more of an ability to think clearly and not be distracted, and lets face it, even when consent conversations take place in a non-sexual environment where you aren't touching or talking dirty, consent conversations rock - no whispering or dirty talk required!  

Board Worthy - Drafts

I've become lax. I don't even remember the last time I posted a Board Worthy Comic*, but this PhD comic fits the bill!

It isn't just thesis that follow you everywhere!

* An explanation of a board worthy comic can be found here:
   http://awomanremembers.blogspot.com/2015/06/board-worthy.html

The Christmas Story

A drunken retelling of a Christmas story. I wrote this December 2015 and found the draft in April 2016. Rather than clean it up and save it for December, I clicked publish :-)

Simplifying Proposal Text

The above comic is from Grammarly. I planned to post this as a Board Worthy comic, but I'm editing a proposal document and want to discuss how this article works within my proposal writing world.

A Well Written, Succinct Post

I want to write a post that will be succinct and well written. I want my post to demonstrate that I am thoughtful and caring, that I am experienced, and that I stayed current and knowledgeable about a variety of interesting and unique topics.  This post should be insightful and funny while and show my feminist, left, liberal leaning politics without being over bearing.  I want to write a post that will change someone's life.

Instead, I'll just point out that I'm not that good at social media and post this lovely unicorn in a rainbow tutu. 

KenziesTreasures on Etsy!

I really, really want a rainbow tutu.

I'll Do What I Want

PBS calls Venus of Willendorf an exaggerated beauty. I call her "my size." 

I am a big-ass, fat, sexy woman. 

Fat. 

I am fat. 

Say the word out loud if you have to. 

Fat fat fat fat fat. I am fat.  

Do you have a problem with that sentence? I don’t. Why? Because I am fat.

I am sick and tired of everybody telling me how I should feel about my body, my size, my sexiness, my walk, my talk, my meals, and my sense of self. I don’t care if you’re saying something like, “You big sexy mamas are hot-a-licious, and you should flaunt it – big and beautiful, woohoo!” or “You ugly fat slobs should diet and hide and hope that you can be thin,” or “Curvy girls rock my world so shake those ginormous tits with pride, bay-bee!” or whatever else you want to say. What do you think is so special about you that you get to tell me how I should feel at any given moment?

You telling me that I’m not fat, that I’m curvy, fabulous, that I'm <insert your chosen synonym here> isn’t helping me. It just puts your voice up there on the long list of people who are saying that fat is a dirty word. 

"Fat is such an ugly word – call yourself curvy." 

"I refuse to call you fat because you're so beautiful."

i.e., Fat is bad. 

There, why don't you say that instead?  

Fat is bad.

Fat is bad.

Your admonitions haunt me on bad days. When I curl up at home alone because I’m big and fat and ugly and unlovable, reading articles saying that I should be proud to be big just adds an extra layer of guilt. On those days I can’t live up to the strong, feminist belief that I am good at whatever size, indeed, at my size. 

I'll stick with my own guilt, thanks. You can keep your guilt and shove it up your ass, whatever size it happens to be.

If I wanted somebody to have the right to tell me what to think, feel, and do with my body, I’d go place my big fat fallopian tubes into the hand of some fucking ring winger anti-choice asshat then bend over so they can more easily yank my rights away. If I wanted someone else telling me how to think and feel I’d join a cult like the Family Research Council.

Instead I’ll live my own life and be the strongest, and weakest, woman I feel like being.

Some days I wake up, run my hands down my soft skin, dig my nails deep into the flesh of my tummy and breasts and think, “Yummy.” I stretch and think about what it would be like to press my big fat ass against someone if they were in my bed and grin. On those days I swagger to my closet and put on a flashy, bright wraparound dress and strut out the door in my best knee high boots. 

Other days I wake up and feel the weight pressing down on me. I grab a beige skirt and a simple blouse and walk quietly out the door to the bus. Sometimes I just grab whatever's clean and at hand and run out the door.

But that's just it - I have spent countless hours throwing all my clothes on my bed and crying because nothing fits because I'm a hideous monster. I've spent countless hours shiny and flirty and grabbing someone else's delicious behind (with their permission). I get to choose how I want to express myself on any given day, and I don't need your size-shaming or your "permission" to feel whatever the hell I'm feeling.

I could suggest that you let me be and feel and think whatever I want to think, but dude, you don’t get to let me do anything. I am large and in charge, and I will decide what I think and feel.

Guilty Conversations

I can stand up and discuss the need for equal rights and share articles with my friends on facebook about what needs to change in our world.  I can read books and listen to speeches and chat with like minded friends about the state of our world, but when it comes down to it, I’m not comfortable with racism.  It makes me fidgety, and while I can have “big picture” discussions, I’m not good at one-on-one conversations about it.  When I do have in depth conversations about racism and prejudice, the conversations are almost exclusively with other white folks (and, in fact, usually with other white women).

I’m embarrassed because I don’t know a lot about racism.  Oh, sure, I know the big picture concepts.  I understand how it negatively affects the world. I’m not good with the day-to-day personal life of racism. I end up comfortable and afraid to broach the topic. The majority of my friends are white women, even though I live in a heavily Armenian and Asian town.  I do discuss race in person with a few of them, and with some of my friends we have held conversations about how we’re not sure how to discuss it and then make racist jokes while singing “Everyone’s a little bit racist sometimes” because we aren’t sure how to discuss whatever the specific topic was without making racist commentary and feel better purposely making a joke that we apologize for.  Then we say, “I’d never say something like that in public,” or “You’re the only person I’d say that to.”  

Without having conversations, though, how do we find the right framework and language for the personal discussions?  We have the language and reference points for the large societal issues but not for conversations amongst ourselves, and that’s a problem.

I have been known to get into arguments with my family about race while avoiding saying anything to strangers because I have no vested interest in them.  It’s easier.  I want my family to learn and grow with me so that we can all be the best that we can be. But instead I fail and just end up creating chasms in relationships that seem impossible to breach and end up with apologies or situations where we just ignore the fight.  (Oh, and to make it clear – this is true on so many other topics when it comes to family!)

This weekend Hilary Clinton said, “I know there are truthswe don’t like to say out loud or discuss with our children. But we have to.That’s the only way we can possibly move forward together."

I don't have children.  I don't plan to have children, but I do read many of the parenting blog posts my friends link on Facebook.  I think about what you are possibly going through as you try to live and work and learn and grow and raise your children in a world that seems very different from the one we grew up in because we didn’t generally have these discussions at all with our parents.

I have seen so many articles about how difficult it is for Caucasian parents to explain racism and prejudice to children because many Caucasians have problems figuring out how to frame the questions and answers and ideas in a manner that won't create or expose further problems... I have the same problem myself, and I don't even have the added task of attempting to converse with children and not create another generation of folks who have the same problems and silence.

Reading books and theories from the 1970s, the ideas and concepts themselves were different.  Language and ideas have grown and changed, and I haven’t kept up with it.  I started learning and growing and understanding in my teens and twenties then just stopped because I had already read that.  I’d been there.  I’d done that.  I want someone to tell me what books I can read that can help me understand the world I live in today and not the world from two decades ago.  But I don’t because I don’t want to tell anybody that I’m embarrassed.  I don’t ask for help because I can’t admit that I don’t know how to “fix” racism even within my own personal square of the world. 

I re-post race articles on my FB or put a notification about them on my blog, but I rarely hold a discussion on them in a public forum.  I have discussions in small enclaves among other Caucasian folks I am close to.  If I decide to bring up the topic of racism and prejudice, I sometimes stutter and am just not sure how to work out what I want to say or ask without sounding like I want an African American man to explain to me racism and how I can be a part of the solution or asking an Asian woman what she wants from me because I don't want to put my discomfort onto someone else; someone whose job isn't to tell me what to think and who shouldn't have to explain things to me.

So I wanted to point out that Hillary Clinton is saying something.  She is asking us to step up and take responsibility for our own actions, to think about how we talk to those around us, how we talk to our children.  She is pointing out that what we don't say is just as important. 

I suggest that we need to not just talk to our children but to each other.  I still don’t know how, but maybe I’ll keep reading and accept the fact that I will make an ass of myself and probably make inappropriate commentary.  I don’t know what I’ll do, but what I need to not do is not try to frame today’s world in 1990 political rhetoric any longer.