Last In, First Out: Dating Poly and Single

Created by and available at http://tacit.livejournal.com/346761.html. 

If you follow the link to the Tactit's LJ post that contains their Polyamorous Secondary Relationship Card, the first commentor pointed out the part that hits me the most:

"Being a single poly person, even in "non-hierarchical relationships" it isn't uncommon to be treated like this. Even after the other person has sworn they wouldn't treat you like this."

The moment you meet someone in a poly relationship, you know they already have established relationships that will come first. Their reasoning makes perfect sense. They don't believe in hierarchies, or they don't believe they're in a point in their relationship where they'd create hierarchies, but they already know the person they are involved with. They already know that person is important to them. If push comes to shove on time, whether it be time constraints, fears of exposure, convenience, jealousy on the "first" partner's part, discomfort over friends and family knowing the truth, difficulty juggling two or three relationships, whatever, you are the unknown. You will be the piece they give up.

It has happened to me so many times that when I start relationships with folks who have pre-established relationships, I generally assume the other partner will come first and that I will end up dumped if their life gets too busy. The last several people I've dated have even pointed out that I over stress how I don't want to interfere with their existing relationships and that I shouldn't worry about it because their existing relationships won't interfere with their time with me. But honestly, I've been dumped repeatedly by people in primary relationships (or who is in an established "non-hierarchical" relationship or whatever they call it) because their existing relationship comes can't be interfered with and life is too complicated and something has to go. And since I was the newest piece of the equation, I was the piece that had to go. I do understand their reasoning, but I don't have to like it.

It does sting. A lot. Think of dating like work - seniority counts. When push comes to shove, the last person hired is the first person fired. Unfortunately, this also creates situations where I jump in with my new poly partners but hop back and forth from hot to cold as I try to simultaneously enjoy the pleasure of a new relationship and keep myself safe for the inevitable moment when my newer, secondary status ends things. It is unfortunate and completely unfair to my new dating partner. Yet over and over (before I even started this ugly habit) my new poly partners of a month, two months, three months, have had to leave me and focus on their pre-existing partners. I've also chosen to end a couple of relationships because even in our equal relationships, I was chronologically second and then couldn't participate in their lives as fully as their first partner. This hits even closer to home with women because I've dated women in the closet about their sexuality and women in the closet about being poly, and they never stop to think how easy it is to pretend that your female partner is just a good friend.

New relationships, in general, don't get the same level of respect as pre-existing relationships. This isn't just true for poly relationships. We've all done it with friends. How many times have you thought, "You know, I'd love to get to know Clarissa that I met at that party last week, she seems pretty cool, but I'm so damned busy! I'm really busy this month, but I'll try to plan to hang out with her next month. Then it's six months later and you've had to cancel on them or never pull together tentative plans repeatedly because of all of your pre-existing commitments in your life interfered. Finally it's been six months or eight months, and when you run into them at another event, you may or may not manage to create those plans this time.

I have yet to find an established poly relationship that actually counts their "non-hierarchical but newer partner" equal to the existing partner before they've been together for a year or two, and I have not ever reached that year or two. This doesn't mean there aren't people who honestly don't count new partners as secondary to their existing partners, but it does mean that those people are outside of my personal sphere of experience.

* Pssstt, Adam, look - LJ isn't completely dead... oh, wait, this was posted in 2011, never mind