Loquaciousness

I was an angel!

Of course, I was a darling little angel in what appears to be an old bed sheet, but I was also a talker. The nuns apparently taped my five year old mouth shut and later begged my mom for forgiveness. Mom loved to tell me the story because she'd always laugh and say she wasn't angry because sometimes she wished she could tape my mouth shut, too.

My dad used to offer me a quarter for every ten minutes I'd go without talking on the way to the bowling lanes.  The joke was that some weeks I'd make a quarter on the ride.

Chatting with one of my best friends in high school, she stood up and started walking away. I stopped talking, and she said, "Oh, keep talking. I'll be back in a minute. You won't even notice I'm gone."

Goody two shoes, but my only after school detention was for talking in class.

One of the biggest things I remember about my childhood is being told to be quiet, to shut up, to stop talking. I remember being yelled at that nobody could get a word in edge wise. I remember the joy of spending time with a few people who let me blather on happily because it was so very, very rare.

I don't remember anyone ever sitting me down and explaining why I should talk less. I realize I was a kid who was constantly moving and talking. My mind was always whirring, so my voice tried to make sure everybody knew what I was thinking. I wanted to share all the things I thought about and didn't really understand the concept of privacy.

I did eventually learn some conversational skills and techniques, but it was hard work, and I floundered my way through it alone. Even then, hell, even now, when I realize I've been talking for a little while, I start to feel guilty, I apologize to the person, I let them know that they are always welcome to jump in and ask me to please stop talking because I understand they may want some quiet time, or I might have spoken too quickly for them to get a word in edgewise.

So I've always known that people want me to be quiet. As an adult I fell in love with someone who always wanted me to be quiet. I spent so much time attempting to remember to not to talk because he needed quiet time, and he spent so much time trying to not be angry because I was talking. I assumed this was normal life. After all, I always talk too much and my entire life I'd been told to be quiet.

I learned his body language over time, but I didn't always catch it. It has helped me learn other people's body language, though, and I'm better at knowing when to end a conversation, but I still miss the queues a lot. I know that the majority of people who talk to me need me to be quiet, and I do try, but I don't know why I can't. I read books about how to have conversations, but when I get excited or upset or happy or really any emotion other than exhausted, I want to share. So if I'm in a coffee shop and someone sees me writing with a fountain pen they might stop to chat with me about it. So far exactly two types of conversations have ensued:

1. The person shows interest, but I get so excited about sharing the details about styles of pens and why I like them and how they react with different inks that they grow bored, and I don't realize it until they walk away.

2.  This is much less common and hasn't happened in a couple of years, but they'll pull out a fountain pen catalog they just received or bring out their favorite pen so we can admire each other's pens. We'll chat and chat and chat and, if it's a man, he'll ask me on a date. With men interested in fountain pens this ALWAYS ends in being asked out. Not one woman has asked me on a date in similar circumstances. These folks humor me and let me blather on and they blather on and we both go on and on and then they get tired of listening to me and leave.

In both instances, the same results - I got too excited, and they didn't want to continue the conversation, and I missed the queues until they were annoyed (except the guys who think that a fountain pen is a symbol that someone's looking for a date - why on earth has that only happened one time when I was almost in a position to accept a date?)

So I get that I talk too much. I really do, and it doesn't seem like it to the folks around me, but I spend a fairly large amount of energy working to be quiet. If I'm not talking, I'm humming or singing or tapping or in some way creating a noise that annoys people, so when you see me sitting quietly, you know I'm either exhausted or working hard at being the quiet person you deserve to be able to spend time with.

The thing is that I've learned over the last two years that not everybody always wants me to shut up. There are people out there who enjoy listening to me chat, who like having conversations with me, and who actively start our conversations by telling me that one of the things they like is that I'm chatty and will carry a conversation because they like to listen but aren't very good at finding things to say.

Let me repeat that. There are people who enjoy spending time with me BECAUSE I TALK. I had to repeat it because that's one of the things that drives most people crazy - as a talker, I will often repeat myself. At work I spend a fair amount of time editing my emails to make sure I don't repeat myself in a few different ways. Ironically, as a proposal writer, re-stating the obvious over and over is a handy skill because they'll ask the same question in five different sections, and I'll have to answer it in five different questions, and I need to add a bit of a spin so that each time the information sounds fresh and new and not like a cut and paste job. See, being a repetitive talker has one real life application.  Ok, it's only one, but that's better then none!

So here's the deal:  I'm 40 years old and still attempting to learn what an appropriate level of conversation is and how to find the balance between sharing a conversation and overwhelming it. I

I am responsible for doing my best to grasp the social queues the people around me send out. However, the people around me are responsible for making sure their needs are met and should let me know when my conversation is overwhelming them or too repetitive or just annoying because they need quiet time. Hopefully by surrounding myself with people who work within the concept of letting each other know their needs, I can continue learning to be a better friend and talk a comfortable amount for both of us.

But damn I wish someone had sat me down and helped me learn all these things when I was 10. Having people around me point out what type of restlessness means that I've blathered on too much and how to find the place in conversation where I pause for someone else to jump in would have helped me so much more than just telling me to be quiet. I wish people would just tell me now. I've actually got some new friends who have told me they like our friendship because I talk a lot, but that still doesn't really help me know when I'm overwhelming them, and if I've only known someone two years I'm probably still incapable of figuring out their non-verbal queues.