I'm a queer, cis woman who was in a 13 year monogamous relationship with a heterosexual cis man. This meant that I couldn't go slinging my rent-a-schlong all over town but would need to make use of it at home. So every now and then I'd ask my ex if he'd play with me and my non-existent turgid member. I knew that backhole insertions would be rejected, so I asked about other fun and sexy activities.
Nope. Nada. No chance. Every time I asked he was quite firm that he would not, under any circumstances, ever have touch my dude-meat. He would even leave me if I woke up in my female body and had sprouted an extra body part overnight because he only wanted my quivering quim.
Remember, this is fantasy land I was asking about. I didn't ask him to fantasize with me about what I'd do with my non-existent throbbing protuberance. I just if he'd touch it. However, the idea grossed him out enough that he couldn't even just humor me and say, "Sure. If you wake up tomorrow morning with a tootsie pop, I'll lick it three times." My fantasy happy hopper and I would be all alone because he couldn't even handle saying, "Sure," to a ridiculously impossible circumstance that involved touching my magically appearing 5 inches.
Ok, I get it. He couldn't imagine a circumstance where he'd be willing to have some fun with my non-existent salty joy stick, but I wasn't ever going to have one, so why did it bug me so much that he'd refuse it? I mean, it would never exist!
At some point, I wondered if he thought I might want to change things up and get one surgically added in the future. I'd never questioned my gender identity. So then I thought about whether I'd like to be a man and always have a raging richard in my pants. No, there was no gender identity crisis. I just really want to know how the other side feels, and maybe learn how to finally do the mysterious act that I, like Garfunkel and Oates, have always been unsure about performing (words in video NSFW, close captioned).
Yeah, silly thing to be bothered by considering it was impossible, but I couldn't understand how he would not love me if I sprouted a healthy handsome new limb in my sleep. I felt oddly betrayed by this extreme level of heterosexuality - a heterosexuality that was so definitive that he would dump me if I turned into a boy EVEN THOUGH I NEVER WANT TO BE A BOY.
I've been dating some folks off and on over the last two years, and I've found that not all heterosexual men are so against touching other man handles. It's strange to think that even though I have no plans for a long-term, seriously committed relationship anytime soon, one of the questions I'm probably going to be asking my longer term partner(s) will be what happens if I grow an extra flap of skin that grows if the wind blows up my skirt.
I'm sure part of the problem is that I'm not heterosexual. I don't understand full-out homosexuality or heterosexuality. I understand not wanting to touch a specific person's bits but being unable to even think about touching the "wrong" bits makes no sense to me. Deciding that you can't love someone anymore if their bits change also makes no sense to me.
I date along the entire spectrum or sexual and gender orientations, but I think that if I ever engage in any long-term relationships in the future, they will be with folks who aren't so firmly entrenched at one or the other end of the spectrum that they can't at least pretend that there might somehow one day be some sort of set of circumstance under which they might touch "other" bits.
The funny part is that I am no longer monogamous, and I don't plan to enter any monogamous relationships in the future. So I wouldn't be "stuck" untouched in this won't-ever-happen growth situation because I could call around and find which of my partners would be ok with it. I also have a couple of friends who have told me that if these circumstances ever occurred, they'd lend a helping hand. Yes, I've had conversations with friends and found folks willing to take my rental wrangler out for a spin.
So with bizarre-ass dating rules like this, is it any surprise that I'm single?
*ponders*
Is it completely bizarre? I mean, I'm just stating that I won't have a long-term relationship with someone who is 100% at one or the other end of the spectrum. So many people have at least the tiniest bit of flexibility that this might not be a really bizarre rule. Or at least I assume there are folks out there who could humor my impossible, never-occurring scenario of waking up with a rooster in my pants.
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I want to make it clear that my ex is not homophobic. He just didn't want to touch penii (is that the plural?) and didn't see any point in pretending he'd do it in some bizarre fake pretend situation. He just preferred real life to weird fake impossibilities.
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