What I found were reports stating that we'd had zero murders within whatever the applicable time frame was, and there was a very low number of physical and sexual assaults. These numbers appeared realistic to me because I "knew" as a young teen that I could walk safely down the street after dark. But why did my dad seem to be so sure that people were being beat up and molested and raped and killed all around me?
So I dug deeper and discovered that local statistics on violence in the area were compiled after removing "domestic incidences." All of those instances of violence weren't counted because there was no stranger-danger in them. After all, if you're looking at statistics to see what your personal chances of being violated are when moving to a new town, what happens in someone else's home won't affect you, right?
I never was able to convince my dad that I could walk down the street after dark by myself, and to this day I believe that he was extremely over protective for that. However, he was hit by the massive fear of the unknown stranger that is going to kill us all - the shooter at the mall, the guy giving kids candy from a van outside the school.
So the definition of violence that existed back then, where domestic violence wasn't considered "real" violence created a fake sense of comfort. "My daughter will never be hurt if she never walks alone after dark," translates into, "My daughter will never be hurt." It feels so much safer than "My baby girl could be raped and murdered by her future intimate partner."
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| A bandaid won't fix this problem. |
I believe that false sense of security created by dismissing domestic violence from statistics of violence in the area also created a false belief that the world has become so much worse since domestic violence began being counted as real violence. I don't have current statistics on the safety in Sussex County, but I assume that the numbers are higher than the zero I found years ago based on 1980s data.
If things are "much worse" now, we can also blame the younger generation, the folks who moved from out of town to an area that had been stocked by families who lived there for generations, and everything except the fact that violence has always been a part of life in my old home town..
In the old data's defense, domestic violence was seen as a "family matter" by many people in the past, and even now I meet people who don't believe that it's possible for a married person to rape their partner or that everyone should be allowed to smack their kids around because "that's how I was raised." People believe a woman can't rape someone or that "someone who seems so nice" can't possibly beat their partner.
It's time to face the facts - we all have domestic violence within our families. If it isn't our immediate family home, there are cousins, grandparents, children,whoever , who are directly impacted by domestic violence.
When I was in high school, everybody knew about domestic violence, but nobody talked about it unless something "big" happened, and even then we didn't call it out for what it was; we didn't try to help the people being harmed. For example, one of my friends lived with extremely violent adults. My parents told me she should stay over as often as possible, but I was never allowed to go to her house. She was later removed from her home, and as a clueless kid, I honestly didn't know why. There were other friends and family members who were talked about in hushed tones. People who wondered why this woman didn't leave her horrible husband or tsked about how those children were so neglected and filthy, but nobody tried to help - they just whispered about the problem.
If you were "lucky" people talked about it to your face instead of behind your back. Some people were actually concerned, but most folks who actually talked to you about domestic violence within your family were looking for gossip. For example, when my mother's husband bashed in her skull, people who hadn't even said "hello" when passing me in the halls of my very small high school suddenly started looking for me. With their voices schooled into sounds of concern they asked, "Gosh, is your mother ok? We were all surprised when she came out of the apartment covered in blood. It's good that someone called the cops."
What really hit me when that happened was how everyone was glad that "someone called the cops." Two people went to help my mother. They were nearby, and one rushed to help her while another called the cops. Everybody else was too busy standing around and talking about the situation to actually do anything about it.
The things they had to say were useless, "We've been listening to the fights and the beatings and wondering when someone would do something. Were the other kids in the house ok? Did anybody else get hurt?" Until someone covered in blood came out of a door, everybody just ignored the violence and whispered about "that family" from behind their closed doors. Even then the only two people who helped were family who lived nearby and saw her covered in blood.
There's no "easy" solution to domestic violence (gosh, it would be great if there was!), and I'm thrilled that we've started making strides into counting domestic violence as a crime, but we need to count it in all the ways that it matters. Domestic violence is violence. Partner killing is murder. Don't hedge the words because it makes you feel better. Don't leave it out so that you can be more comfortable.
And really, I believe that's why we do it. If you teach your children to avoid the van giving out candy, make your daughters wear long, loose clothing, and believe that violence is something that's done by the "other" and not by the people who surround you, you can believe you are safe for another day. Not everybody has another day to be safe, though.
This article about mass shootings shows that "only" a small number of mass shootings in the US that are perpetrated by strangers in the public arena. The reality is that mass shootings are far more common than anyone realizes because the majority of mass shootings happen within the home in situations of domestic violence. These stories don't make the national news. Sure, they'll show up in a local paper, but these mass shootings aren't posted all over the national papers because they are just more of the everyday violence that happens in the home - they are a family incident, not a national concern. We are ignoring the danger and fear and violence that is happening next door and instead pour concern, anger, and fear out on the idea of a "crazy person" stepping into a supermarket and opening fire.
If you really want to feel safer, talk about domestic violence. Make sure the people around you are aware of it, give them information or someone to talk to. Educate yourself about what domestic violence is and ways that you can help a survivor. Learn the warning signs of an abusive relationship so that you can help protect yourself and those around you. Find out who you and those around you can go to for help when needed. Make a safety plan. There are local and national resources, hotlines, and a million different places that can be contacted.
This national domestic violence website: http://www.thehotline.org/ appears to have some good information and would be a great place to start learning more about domestic violence.
PRE-POST UPDATE: I was just about to post this blog post when I came across this article about international mass shootings disregards "domestic" settings and gang drive-bys. It does note that the US has 5% of the population and 31% of the mass public shootings, not including these domestic shootings based on numbers going back to 1966. My guess is that to compile the data, domestic violence had to be left out because tracking information in the 1960s routinely ignored in-home "domestic disputes," and the research was looking at long term data. Of course, this is just my guess!
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