The Christmas Story

A drunken retelling of a Christmas story. I wrote this December 2015 and found the draft in April 2016. Rather than clean it up and save it for December, I clicked publish :-)



Come, come children, gather around while I tell you the story of Christmas. As you can see, I've set-up slides that we can all share on our new tablet computers. Oh Susie, don't worry, I've optimized it for mobile phone displays.

Sit down!  I said sit down! Damnit, kids, what the hell is wrong with you? Can't you be quiet for just a minute? Fine. I'm going to go get some more eggnog, and I'll be right back.

*wanders off to get a cup of rum with a wee bit of eggnog in a nice big mug*

*returns to the living room and sits in a chair surrounded by ripped wrapping, presents, torn boxes, and new gifts just tipped and thrown everywhere.

*yells* KIDS! GET YOUR ASSES IN HERE, I'm telling the Christmas Story!

Ahhh, yes, I'm so glad you're back to hear the story. Jason, stop texting your girlfriend and open the web page I just emailed you.

As you know, Christmas began many years ago when a woman named Mary had been doing it with God and got pregnant, but her fiance, Joseph, said it was no big deal and married her anyway.

They didn't have computers back then, so Mary and Joseph had to go into the city to be part of the Pharoah's census.

What did you say Lisa?

Oh, the Pharoah was the old King of Egypt, and the census is how the government counts everybody. They use it to make sure everybody is paying enough taxes so that Senators can take extra days off to stay at home with their families.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right.  Mary and Joseph were poor Jews, and Mary was pregnant, so they got stuck out in someone's stable. Mary gave birth in the hay without a doctor, which meant no epidural!  Let me tell you, I know that must have been horrible because wow, your mom's head was the size of an elephant!

Joseph dumped the animals' food all over the floor so he could put the new baby in the manger. The animals didn't seem to mind, but then a little while later a bunch of shepherds and illegal immigrants arrived and tramped all over their food. That really pissed them off. The shepherds were just gossiping about how Baby Jesus was God's kid, but really that just meant that Mary was out doing it with someone other than her husband. That's why we have chastity rings now - to make sure that nobody gets pregnant!

Anyway, the illegals had some super weird gifts with them. They brought Baby Jesus some incense called frankincense. I'm assuming it was to cover the scent of horse shit. They also brought some other air freshner called myrrh. Myrrh can also be mixed with wine. I bet Mary snapped that shit up fast. I would have if I'd just given birth without any drugs and was stuck in a stable with itchy hay stuck all over my sweaty thighs. The last gift they brought was gold - finally something useful. Seriously, though, can you imagine giving a baby a hunk of gold?

No?

Well, neither could Joseph and Mary, so they used it to buy a cradle and a few other things.

When the counting was over, the family loaded their smelly stuff, the new bedroom set they bought while they were in the city, and the leftover gold onto their old donkey and walked back home. Mary  had to carry that baby in her arms all the way home! She was probably exhausted. At least she had a blue scarf. Maybe she made a baby wearer with it.

Anyway, here's the deal. A bunch of years later Santa Claus read up about Baby Jesus and the immigrants and figured that it kinda sucked. I mean, kids should get better gifts than air freshener, right? So Santa contracted the Oompa Loompas to work up in the frozen arctic where rents were cheaper, and he used them as cheap labor to make a whole lot better toys. Then he contacted everybody's parents and made deals with them. If the parents put themselves into hock, Santa Claus would show up and leave presents under the Christmas tree. Travel is cheaper in winter, so Santa contacted the government and moved the federal holiday over to December.

So your parents pretend that Santa does it for the milk and cookies, but when you go to bed they dump the milk into large cups of kahlua and dunk their cookies into it. Anyway, since it's wintertime for Christmas (unless you live down on the other side of the globe where the weirdos go swimming on Christmas day), Frosty the Snowman is also built during the holidays. He likes to sing jingle bells and dance with Rudolph when Santa gets to town. Santa lets them because those two guys bugger each other and keep each other happy. It's only once a year, so he puts up with it.

Nowadays, though, people are doing everything they can to spoil Christmas for us Christians. They do things like refuse to say Merry Christmas and then pretend it's because they believe in some other holiday - as if there's any holidays that don't belong to us! They also paint cups red instead of putting big pictures of Jesus in his animal food bed on them. This is why your parents make you go to church on Christmas morning when you really want to stay home with your new computer games. If we don't all go to church twice a year (on the day Jesus was born and the day he came back from the dead like a vampire), the heathens that are trying to take over this great country of ours would win.

Don't let the heathen liberals win, kids!

What? What's that?

*slurs* I think my grandkids are old enough to know the truth!

Yes they are!
                    No they aren't.
Yes they are!
                    No they aren't.

Fine. *wanders off for some Christmas cookies and more rum*