I've had conversations where I felt it necessary to defend my right to define my own consent and to define my past consent. I have participated in activities where I gave full and informed consent to and for things I did not enjoy and that resulted in my being miserable.
However, my consent was very, very clear and was given with full knowledge that I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue, even during regular check-ins by the people I was with. There was no coercion. I may have had many reasons to participate in a variety of things I didn't like, or that I later realized I didn't like, and that is my right. I know myself and my body better now, and I learned most of that through trial and error.
Not every interaction I've had in my life is something I'm proud of or happy about. Some of the things I've done were for reasons other than pleasure or sharing with someone else. That doesn't mean that I was coerced into those activities.
I know a lot more about who I am and what I want than I did 20 years ago, 10 years ago, one year ago. I've changed how I connect with people, and my honest is more open and less "honest through omission" than it used to be. I've completely changed how I interact with people, and I am a lot happier now.
That being said, I'm not sorry I participated in activities that hurt me or things that I could easily be ashamed of if I let myself. Would I go back and choose not to do some of those things? Who the hell knows. I do know that there are quite a few things from my past that I wouldn't do NOW.
I really, really hate that I end up feeling defensive about my past actions. If I'm having a conversation with someone who then freaks out about something I hadn't realized would be considered an issue, I end up defending a person or action that I strongly dislike. My choices, good or bad, were my own and made with both eyes wide open.
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