College Essentials

My stapler!  My joy!*

Every summer I look forward to Back to School sales, store College Essentials lists, and the plethora of events put together for this time of year. Sometimes I make great finds.  I have the red swingline, a $22 stapler purchased for $6, from an Amazon back to school sale.

The Office Space red swingline photo is from virtualstapler.com/.  There's an entire section dedicated to staplers in movies!  Yes, I find this interesting.  If you don't, well, you're just weird.

Amazon and I disagree on what qualifies as a college essential..  They seem to think that you need the following items in order to succeed in college.

May the Stir Be With You

A Star Wars self-stirring coffee mug. Now, to be fair, this is a fun and cool gift idea for the person who has everything, but calling it a college necessity is going too far.  This is probably harder to wash than a standard mug, and we all know that some college freshman will eventually throw out their moldy dishes instead of washing them.  Of course, I didn't do that at all the first few months I lived on my own.  *whistles innocently* 

This was advertised as a college essential on Monday, July 13, 2015.





 

Do seahorses neigh?

On July 13, 2015, Amazon listed crystal jewelry as a college essential, with the first piece pictured being this lovely little seahorse necklace. This begs the question - how many of you needed seahorse necklaces when you started college?  Did you find that having a seahorse necklace decreased homesickness?  Does a seahorse necklace help you study for your Bio101 exam? 

Maybe this necklace is intended to be worn by sexually active hetero cis men as a reminder to carry condoms - after all, it is the male seahorse who carts the kids around all day.

It was even signed by Stan Lee.

On Friday, July 17, 2015, Amazon added the "Fine Arts and Collectible: Entertainment" category to the College Essentials section.  Does a $300 plastic Iron Man prop mask autographed by Stan Lee help you get to class faster?  Or is it just something you wear to class on the first day in order to more easily find new gaming buddies?  Either way, I think it would get hot in there, and it will probably smell funny.


Of course, we all know that an iron man mask is one way to get revenge on someone who steals your parking space.

I could have used one of these in college?

Finally I reach the most important college essential posted on Amazon on  Monday, July 13, 2015:  the meat grinder. 

I want to make up funny jokes about how college is akin to a meat market, but I can't find any that don't smack of Hannibal Lechter.  After all, once you add an actual meat grinder to the dorm room mix, all jokes about humanity end up on a bun.






Now Bed, Bath, and Beyond is a far more sophisticated shopping tool for back to school than Amazon is.  They have college registries, options to help you find the stores closest to your school, the ability for you to place your order and have it already created and waiting for you to pick it up when you get to campus, and they have college specialists.  College Specialists are waiting for students to schedule appointments to make sure they register for everything they need for going away to college.  Apparently going to college is like getting married and having a baby.

We get a BB&B sales flyer in the mail, and the first thing I noticed is that almost everything came in the color aqua and with a chevron pattern option.  So be sure to stock up on your mountain and valley stripes because it's a chevron extravaganza this year!  I always wonder, though, which college kids are purchasing huge, $500 desks for their dorm rooms and apartments?  It's wild!

Even though the BB&B list is actually far more useful, they still don't disappoint.  Mixed among some really nice items for small living spaces (that I need!) are a few college jewels.

Part of BB&B's College Keep It Clean Collection

Do you wear the same clothes everyday for months on end without washing them?  Do you forget to shower until that night where you think you might get laid?  Do you see no point in taking out your garbage?  Then BB&B's Bad Air Sponge is for you!  I found it in the college essentials on July 13, 2015.








The next item is probably actually super useful in a college dorm room, but I couldn't stop laughing at it, so I had to include it.  It's the surf board tv tray. When you're buried in five feet of snow at SUNY Oswego, you'll need this, your thermal long johns, and as much booze as you can fit on the tray and the floor.

The SUNY Oswego page shows everything bright and sunny, so below is a more realistic photo of Oswego.  I have no idea why people live there.

See how useful surfboard tv trays are when attending winter-states colleges?