Massachusetts: A Different State of Mind

Moving to the Boston area has led me to a very important conclusion: Massachusetts works hard at being different than anywhere else. 

1.  Tom Brady Is More Important than the President

Tom Brady - Serious About His Game

Do not ever admit that you have no idea who Tom Brady is. Tom Brady is a very important football player. Even non-sports people know who Tom Brady is and seem to take pride in his stellar abilities. As you can see in the photo above, Tom Brady has a very serious face when playing football. I assume this earnest expression is what makes him so very, very good at his job.

2.  Dunkin Donuts Is Where It's At
This does vary from person to person, and Starbucks has certainly made inroads in the Boston area. However, extremely non-scientific polls of coworkers who were raised in the greater Boston area show that Dunkin is the go-to coffee place of choice. The first Dunkin Donuts is located in Quincy, Massachusetts (super close to Boston).

The Original Dunkin Donuts Looks Cool (tastes eh)

My reference to "Dunkin" shows that I am not a native. It's nicknamed "Dunks" here because two syllables are just too many, and don't confuse a Massachusetts native by asking if their regular coffee is caffeinated. Here a regular coffee means "with cream and sugar" not "high tess, full of important morning caffeine."  Extra syllables and clarifications are simply not possible before morning java.


3.  DMV?  What's That?
Massachusetts is the only place I've ever lived that doesn't have a Department of Motor Vehicles.  Here they have the Registry of Motor Vehicles (RMV).  Why it needs its own special name is a mystery that nobody in the area has been able to explain. On a plus note, if you google RMV, the MassDotRMV is the first thing that comes up.   


4.  Folks From Massachusetts Have No Idea What Ice Hockey Is

The Boston Bruins Play Hockey, Not Ice Hockey

This statement would horrify a local, but it's true. I have been laughed at over and over and over again for referring to ice hockey because hockey is played on ice. Period. The addition of the adjective causes giggles amongst Boston-area natives. 

When questioned, a Boston-area native will admit that there are other kinds of hockey, but all other forms of hockey require qualifiers.



So there is hockey and there is field hockey.  Field hockey is played by high school girls in skirts who will kick your ass with a wooden stick until you're bruised and crying. Hockey is played on ice by men on ice skates who will kick your ass with their wooden sticks. Do not confuse the two.


5.  Beer Drinkers Think Samuel Adams Is Ugly
 

This is what Sam Adams looks like. 

This is Paul Revere.

The owners of Sam Adams beer think his mug is so ugly that their Boston Lager features Paul Revere.

6.  Duck Boats Rule!!!!
Boston is a revolutionary city, so there are tours constantly.  Walking tours, trolley tours, bus tours, even duck boat tours.  A duck boat is a style of boat used in World War II that goes by land and by water, and by golly, there's a fair amount of both here! Take all the tours you want, but don't miss this one. I've had one out of state visitor who came to be a tourist, and she refused to listen (yes, L, I'm looking at you), so now she is flying back out from Arizona specifically to go on a duck boat tour and to rearrange my furniture.

Screw you, Indiana, Boston loves GLBTQA folks so much that even our tour boats have rainbows!

7.  Painting Placement Is for Perpetuity
This is an optimistic city. Twenty five years ago $500 million worth of art was stolen from Boston's Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum. Twenty five years later the empty frames hold their place for when the paintings have been found.

We're waiting for your return!

8.  If You Don't Know How to Get There, You Don't Deserve to Get There
Within Boston proper the streets are all labeled and generally easy to find. However, the suburbs are crazy. They don't mark all the streets at an intersection, so if you don't know what street you are on, it's extremely difficult to figure out where you are in relation to where you're trying to get.

New Jersey was much simpler to negotiate. All you needed to know was that to turn left, you go right.  Massachusetts, however, makes you flip a coin and pick a left! GPS is a bit foggy about the locale, and it will say turn left when you are at an intersection with five or more streets spread out in front of you for you to choose from. To make it even more interesting, the street that is vaguely straight ahead might not actually be where the street continues, so even going straight can screw you up. I can't figure out how to find a photo of this phenomenona, so if you've never driven here, you'll have no idea what I mean.
UPDATE 05/27/2015:  Look, here's a map that shows just a small amount of the problems one encounters when attempting to navigate this city.  
UPDATE 07/03/2015:  This map is what I was trying to explain.  Oh sure, I still don't have one of the crazy, unlabeled 6 road intersections, but oh well!

No idea who to thank for this. It's been all over social media.

9.  State Agencies Do Not Release Requests for Proposals (RFPs)
If you write proposals and plan to move to Massachusetts, you will need to know this. I assume that the rest of you could care less. In Massachusetts they requests responses, not proposals. So go to COMMBUYS (their brand spanking new website that looks like it's from the 1990s) and search for Requests for Responses (RFRs) to your heart's content. The search will be long and hard because like many 1990s databases, it is extremely difficult to search. I'll take the FedBizOps over COMMBUYS any day.